Fear of Firsts

Our youngest child, Yonah, is in first grade (kitah aleph in the local parlance) and is positively thriving. 

First grade is all about learning... but it is also very much about learning how to learn.  The teachers spend a lot of time showing the kids how to organize their time... how to organize their notebooks and backpacks... how to interact with their peers.

In short, first grade is all about learning the rules.  And Yonah is all about the rules.  So long as he knows exactly what is expected of him, he is fine.  Better than fine; he is smack dab in the middle of his comfort zone.

But when it comes time to do something for the first time - something new - Yonah becomes overwhelmed with fear and self-doubt. 

I'll give you an example:

Yonah and I were at the barbershop waiting to get a hair cut a couple of months ago.  From the chairs where we were waiting we could see the pastry shop next door, so Yonah asked if I would buy him a couple of chocolate 'rugalach'.  I said sure, and handed him some money.

Yonah looked at me in horror.  He'd never gone alone into a store, picked something out and paid for it.  By handing him money and telling him to go next door by himself, I was asking him to do, not one, but three new things (four, if he had to ask someone for help!).

I really wanted him to learn how to do this, so I told him I'd walk him to the door and watch from there.  If he had any questions he could come back and ask me, or I could even direct him from where I was standing.

Nuh uh... nothin' doing.  He Velcro'd himself to my leg and began to cry, pleading softly, "Please abba... please don't make me go in there by myself". 

While I was deciding what to do, one of the owners of the pastry shop noticed us and made a 'what's going on?' gesture with his hand.  I waved him over to where we were standing and explained that, "Yonah really wants a couple of rugalach but isn't sure how to go about buying them... would you mind showing Yonah how it works?".

The owner immediately understood the problem and kneeled down so he could look Yonah in the eye.  He asked, "Do you have money?" 

Yonah looked down at his hand to make sure it was still there and then nodded 'yes'. 

"Do you know where in the store the rugalach are?" 

Yonah glanced over to make sure they hadn't rearranged the place since our last visit, and again nodded 'yes'. 

"Great, then all we have to do is show you how to pick them out and how to pay for them.  Can I show you that?"

Yonah was transformed. Even though I'd shown him a dozen times how to do each of these things, he couldn't make the leap from being with me and going into the store 'by himself'.

Now that he knew all the parameters of the problem, and had a 'shadow' to walk him through the procedure, he let go of me and walked straight into the store with the owner. 

I watched proudly as he picked out his pastry... put them in a bag... carried the bag up to the cash register... handed over his money... and was given back his change.  By the time he came back to me at the door he was grinning from ear to ear.  He even held out his hand to show that he'd gotten the right change.

Since then, any time we're within a few blocks of this pastry shop, Yonah asks me if he can go buy himself something.  Now that he knows the rules, he is perfectly secure and confident in his ability to function within them.

I mention this story because tonight is Yonah's Siddur Party at school.  This is a big deal event where all the first graders are given their first prayer book. 

Where once it may have been a little ceremony where the kid's name was called and they came up to get their book... it has now blossomed into a real production.  There are speeches, recitations, choreography, lines to memorize... in short, a long list of uncharted 'firsts' for Yonah to be terrified about.

I'm not sure what role(s) Yonah will play in the Siddur ceremony this evening.  But when I left for work this morning, he sat at the breakfast table with the hunted look of a cornered animal about him.  Looking in his eyes, I could see that he wasn't so much concerned if tragedy would befall him... but rather when.

As a parent, I wish I could somehow magically transport him to the moment after he had conquered each of these 'firsts' that terrify him so.  But I can't.  I can only watch him run the gauntlet each time... and hope that he emerges relatively unscathed on the other side.