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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I just hate that!

[I know my posts here are usually pretty up-beat and optimistic.  But I'm in a bit of a funk lately and I'm just not feeling up to being Little Mr. Sunshine.  I haven't had a decent night's sleep since breaking my ribs, and it is taking its toll on my outlook.  Mind you, I don't have the insane stabbing pain I experienced in the first week or two after the fall.  Now it is a dull ache that wakes me up whenever I roll over in my sleep.]

I hate when people fart in elevators.

I hate people who eat things in supermarkets and don't pay for them (and teach their kids to do the same).

I hate people who brag about cheating the government (and teach their kids to do the same).

I hate people who do leisurely 3 (or 4 or 5)-point turns on narrow streets without any regard for how much delay/inconvenience they cause to traffic.

I hate people that park their cars illegally blocking other vehicles who, when confronted, say things like "I'm just going in for a second".

I hate people who inflict their ill-behaved spawn on an upscale eatery when my wife and I finally scrape together enough for a long-overdue fancy dinner out without our children.

I hate people who dress up their pre-pubescent girls like over-sexed middle-aged women. Let 'em be kids ferkrissakes!

I hate people who, when you give them the right of way in a toss-up situation, don't wave thank you.

I hate people who talk loudly on cell phones on public transportation.

I hate people who ask 'what do you do for a living' within the first 30 seconds of meeting you, because they need the frame of reference your reply will offer in order to know how to relate to you.

I hate people I don't know who say random things like "Hot enough for ya?" .  Yes, my sweat stained clothes should make that clear... what's your point, pinhead?!

I hate 'homeless' people who beg for change while smoking and talking on a high-end cell phone.  No I won't work to pay for your vices and gadgets.

I hate people who think it is ok to corner me at social functions and try to sell me on whatever business, religious, social opportunity they are scamming these days.

I hate people who use corporate speak instead of plain language ("At the end of the day, the synergies we are trying to leverage and shifting paradigms we are hoping to target should allow us to raise the bar, think outside the box and drill down to our core competencies".)  Here, let me introduce your head to this white board.  Now that's synergy!

I hate people who introduce their views with "To be honest...".  What they hell have you been up 'til now?! 

I hate people who complain about the service and selection at the neighborhood mom & pop store, but do most of their big shopping at the giant box stores or on-line.  What, they're supposed to stock every size and color of every item on the off chance that you'll wander in one day and actually spend a little money at a local merchant???!

I hate celebrities who think that their fame/success gives them some special insight into politics and/or international relations.  Accept the award graciously, say thank you, shut your pie hole and sit the F#$% back down.

I hate people who wear sunglasses indoors.  Get over yourselves!

I hate people who stand smoking in the entrances to restaurants and office buildings. 

I hate people who flick cigarette butts out of their car windows or empty their ash trays onto the roadside.  Howsabout I take a crap on your hood?!

I hate when people make verbs out of nouns.

I hate when people say 'Irregardless", "Me either" or "I could care less".  Think before you speak.  Please.

I hate the kind of people who populate reality shows.  Couldn't wait patiently for your 15 minutes to find you, huh???!

I hate the idea of 'women only' gyms.  If anyone ever tried to open a 'men's only' gym they would be sued before the paint dried on the 'Grand Opening' sign.  The reason the rates are so high at the health clubs I'd like to join is because half the potential members have the ability to make a sexist choice with impunity.  And nobody is allowed to call it sexist.

I hate people who misuse the word "literally"... as in, "I was literally climbing the walls!"  No, Spiderman, you weren't.

I hate telemarketers.  "Here Yonah... you want to talk on the phone to the nice lady?"

I hate people who spit in public.  People who close one nostril with their finger and blow the contents of the other onto the sidewalk should simply be shot on sight.

I hate people who don't pick up after their dogs.  On one memorable occasion a woman who refused to pick up her dog's crap ended up wearing it home on the back of her sweater.  Don't trifle with me people!

I hate when people nod when I am talking to them even though they haven't a clue what I mean.  If you don't understand the words coming out of my mouth, give me a sign... I'll slow down or explain myself.

I hate people who don't lock their cellphone keypads and then end up calling me at odd hours when they sit on or lean against the damned thing.  And no, I won't pretend I didn't listen to 5 minutes of you prattling on about someone we both know, to G-d knows who.

I hate women who wear extremely revealing clothing who then act offended when my eyes go where nature demands they go.  You don't want me to look at your boobies?  Don't put them out where I can't help but stare at them.  I'm married and relatively polite... but I'm not dead.

I hate people who stop for no apparent reason in doorways, narrow stairways, crowded sidewalks, etc.  When exactly did your rear-scan radar stop working, nitwit?!

I hate sweating.  I would rather freeze my @ss off and pile on extra layers than realize I can't [politely] take off anything else... yet I'm still sweating!  Gah!

I hate hearing a recording by a successful musician/artist where the horn lines and strings are done by a synthesizer.  Dude, you can afford to pay union scale for the musicians to come into the studio. 

I hate people who can't be bothered to turn away when sneezing at the salad bar. 

I hate it when salespeople tell me to hold on while they spend 10 minutes helping someone on the phone.  I made the trip all the way down here, Chuck... all they did was pick up a phone.  Who do you think should be given priority?!

I hate people who, halfway through your story, stop listening because they are using all their mental energy to prepare to tell you the story you just reminded them of.  You can see it in their unfocused eyes that they just want you to finish so they can get to their bit.

I love asparagus... but I haaaaate the way it makes my pee smell. [I know... TMI]

I hate people who get offended on someone else's behalf.  Yes, I said  'Gypped', 'Indian Giver' (yes, I know that one makes no sense), 'Black', 'Oriental', blah, blah, blah...  If you aren't Romani (Gypsy), Native American, African American, Asian, etc., please just STFU.

I hate trust fund jerks and beneficiaries of shameless nepotism who were born on third base but act like they hit a triple.

Wow... I feel so much better now.  If only I could follow this up with a good night's sleep!  Feel free to share your own peeves.

[Full disclosure.  I've been collecting and saving these up for a while, so some of them are not my original peeves (although I heartily agree with them).]

Posted by David Bogner on July 13, 2010 | Permalink

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Everything except for the single ed gyms. I like those. I don't like having to make women smell me when im working out, and im sure they don't always appreciate having to look good whilw working out either.

Posted by: brad | Jul 16, 2010 11:58:29 PM

RivkA: "Well, I'm a hitman, but that's just to pay the bills. My real passion is gardening."

I use something very similar: I'm a retired hitman for the CIA -- contract jobs, you know -- but now and again I yearn for the old business. Anyone you especially dislike? Buy me a drink, and we'll talk.

Scared one young man silly.

Posted by: antares | Jul 21, 2010 4:27:58 AM

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