"What are you trying to say?"

Thanks to everyone who offered excellent feedback and advice on yesterday's post via comments and email.  The most often repeated bit of advice seems to be that I get a sleep study done to see if I am suffering from some sort of apnea.  I'll be sure to look into this.  Thanks.

One helpful friend emailed to ask if I'd ever considered having my dentist make me an 'appliance' that I could sleep with that would advance my lower jaw enough to prevent snoring.  I have to admit I got a giggle out of that because all I could picture in my mind's eye was sleeping with a refrigerator or stove in my mouth.  But yeah, I will certainly look into that too.

Another helpful friend emailed me to ask if I'd checked to see if maybe I had a deviated septum since that might cause one to snore.  This perfectly innocent question reminded me of a funny incident that I've been meaning to share:

So to begin with, yes... I have considered the possibility that a deviated septum might be making me snore.  In fact, I had an exam by an Ear, Nose and Throat doc many years ago, and he informed me that I did indeed have a deviated septum... and that if I wanted to have it repaired it might improve the snoring (meaning reduce the occurrence of snoring... not make it more pleasant or entertaining) that my new bride was starting to complain about.

While I was sitting in his exam chair getting the news about my deviated septum and the possible health /quality of life benefits I might derive from having it repaired, he looked me in the eye and said:

"Look, if we're going to schedule the surgery to repair your septum anyway, and your insurance company is already footing the bill for anesthesia and the operating room, why not let me fix your nose while I'm in there?  For an extra two or three grand I can set you up with a nose like a movie star!"

First of all, I am well aware that with my schnoz few people are going to mistake me for an Episcopalian. 

Some of the proportions and contours of my nose are a direct result of poor blocking technique in some of the schoolyard skirmishes I joined as a kid.  But even if I hadn't been a crappy fighter, there was already a pretty impressive genetic pre-disposition for a Streisand-esque snout due to countless generations of selective Eastern European Jewish breeding.

So no, I wasn't particularly surprised by someone taking note of the size of my nose.  I was, however, more than a bit put off by the bluntness of the doctor's offer of corrective cosmetic surgery... as if I was horribly disfigured and it was a given that I would jump at the opportunity to make myself presentable at any cost!

So I decided to have some fun.

I looked him in the eye, and with a combination of hurt and anger in my voice and my eyes open to their widest indication of indignation, I said, "What are you trying to say?  What's wrong with my nose?!"

You've never seen anyone back-pedal as fast as this doc did. "Er, um, I didn't mean to imply... of course your nose is perfectly fine... a matter of personal preference... some people have different aesthetic sense..." and on an on he rambled.

I let him blabber for a good two minutes before holding up my hand and cracking a smile.  I said, "Look, I know I have a big nose.  Anyone can see that.  And I'll even ask my wife if she wants me to have a nose job while I'm under the knife.  But while it is tempting to change something that has been the brunt of so much teasing throughout my life, I'm wondering where one draws the line.  Is the next step getting hair implants and maybe having my 'love handles' liposuctioned?"

We agreed to revisit the topic when I came back for my pre-surgery visit and I left the office.  But not before I noticed him pass the sleeve of his white lab coat across a sweaty brow. 

I did bring up the option of a nose job to Zahava, and to this day I'm not really sure whether she was humoring me or giving me her honest opinion.  But her response was something along the lines of, "Is your nose on the large side?  Yes.  Would it look better smaller?  I honestly don't know.  Would I love you more if we spent several thousand dollars making it smaller?  Absolutely not!"

And with that the issue was settled. 

I had the surgery to have my deviated septum repaired... and it didn't have the slightest impact on my snoring.  To this day I don't know exactly what benefit the surgery may have provided other than to segregate the air going in and out of my nose.

But since then, whenever I have to see a doctor and the nurse gets to the point in taking the medical history regarding any previous surgeries I may have had, I just smile widely below my impressive Jewish nose and explain that I once had nasal surgery... the only benefit of which was to make the surgeon who performed the operation just a tad more humble.

[Thanks to Karl Newman for reminding me of this story with his emailed advice]