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Monday, September 22, 2008

Just no words

There is no good way to lose a child. 

Zahava, Ariella and I just returned from being 'menachem avel' (comforting someone in mourning) at the home of some friends who are struggling to comprehend the gaping hole in their lives where their middle child - a bright, beautiful, talented teenaged daughter - used to be.

This popular, energetic young woman had struggled for some time with an eating disorder, but had been responding well to an intensive counseling program... or so everyone thought.  In fact, she was able to conceal her pain and unhappiness (or whatever demons had blotted out all hope for the future) to the extent that she was scheduled to return to school... on what would turn out to be the last, abbreviated day of her life.

Instead of facing the possibilities of a new day... and another one after that... she opted for a permanent solution to what she couldn't comprehend was a temporary problem.

Her loving, concerned, involved parents... her adoring siblings... even her closest friends... had no hint of her private anguish.  There is no blame anyone can level at those who loved this young woman that they won't be heaping upon themselves for the rest of their lives. 

But the horror of it is that there is no room - or need - for blame.  Except, perhaps, for the fashion industry and glossy magazines that conspire to convey the most negative body image possible on young women who don't conform to the skeletal exemplars that mock them from every news-stand and television screen.  There is some blame there, to be sure.

But I can't help thinking that we sometimes miss the opportunity to give our children the full benefit of our experience on this mortal coil.

So I have a favor to ask:

Please... please... speak to your children and remind them a thousand times in a thousand ways that your love is unconditional, and that absolutely everything is fixable... everything!  With the exception of one thing. 

Tell them that among the (many) gifts of youth are the ability to see more vividly... taste more intensely... and feel more deeply. 

But explain to them that along with these precious gifts... comes exquisite sensitivity to pain that is often magnified through the powerful lens of their youth.  Remind them again and again that despite how hopeless things may seem at any particular moment in time, there is no problem so great ... no pain so terrible... no shame so deep, that the light of another dawn, and another after that, won't begin the inevitable process of healing.   

There is no good way to lose a child.  But each time I think there can't possibly be a worse way to lose one... it turns out I'm mistaken.

May they (and we) be comforted...

Posted by David Bogner on September 22, 2008 | Permalink

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this is terrible, and my heart is weeping at this.

Posted by: asher | Sep 22, 2008 1:45:35 PM

Wow. That is so sad. What a terrible thing to happen.

Posted by: Sarah | Sep 22, 2008 1:50:38 PM

My sister got anorexic at the beginning of her first year in high school. I still maintain that our guidance counselor gave her the idea. Eating disorders never make any sense...you can reason with them as much as you want, but it rarely does any good. The only thing that turned my sister around was being locked up at Childrens Hospital in DC and force-fed.

Posted by: Lena | Sep 22, 2008 1:55:10 PM

my heart goes out to this family - such unnecessary pain and suffering. eating disorders are so often overlooked, and they are always about other things than food. The psychic pain manifests itself in the eating disordered behaviour, and sufferers can do a great job of masking the internal turmoil.

I feel your / their pain. so terribly tragic.

Posted by: Hadassah | Sep 22, 2008 2:17:15 PM

Very sad. And shocking just how many teenagers are affected by these disorders. So very sad.

Posted by: Benji | Sep 22, 2008 4:09:23 PM

Now that it's too late for her, we all have suggestions. We didn't know before. Good ideas should be passed on to other families.

At that age group, the importance of peers is paramount. In some schools and communities, peer groups (friends) could be recruited to help, rather than criticize.

Posted by: Fred | Sep 22, 2008 4:11:13 PM

:( I'm so sorry.

Posted by: Tina-cious.com | Sep 22, 2008 4:36:28 PM

even when you ask things of us you are still a giver...

Posted by: fred | Sep 22, 2008 5:04:25 PM

Dearest readers, we are all a still a bit raw over this tragic ordeal. Therefore, I beg of all of you: please think before you comment -- think about how you would feel reading the comment thread if (chas v'shalom!) it were your child (or spouse, or sibling, or friend)....

I actually asked Trep not to post this -- it hurts too much to reflect on this tragedy. Sadly, however, we both realize that there are many problems which plague our youth these days -- and teens are exceptionally vulnerable due to their not-quite-fully developed executive function and (often) difficulties in suppressing impulsive behavior.

We can't always help our kids -- sometimes (as in this tragic case) our love, our support, and our attempts to help are not enough. In some ways, I think this post is less about what we can do to help, and more about being diligent to not squander opportunities to let those we care about know the depth and strength of our love....

שלא נדה ובשורות טובות (sh'lo neda and b'sorot tovot/we shouldn't know from this and we should hear only good things.....)

Posted by: zahava | Sep 22, 2008 5:04:37 PM

"We know nothing."

Thank you for what you wrote. Aryeh (16) read it, and said that you said exactly the right words.

How is Ariella? May Hashem heal her heart, and the hearts of her peers.

Posted by: rutimizrachi | Sep 22, 2008 5:10:38 PM

My heart goes out to the family and extended mourners of this tragedy.Hamakom y'nachem etchem...

Posted by: Marsha in Englewood | Sep 22, 2008 5:28:20 PM

I lost a cousin in much the same way-- hers was a manic depressive problem that we all THOUGHT was managed just fine.

Then she was gone.

I pray for peace for all involved.

Posted by: Foxfier | Sep 22, 2008 6:13:56 PM

I'm so very sorry.

Posted by: Rahel | Sep 22, 2008 7:07:57 PM

My thoughts!!!!

Posted by: Yabu | Sep 22, 2008 7:51:49 PM

That is a terrible loss.

Please don't blame the fashion industry, though. This illness goes way beyond wanting to improve one's appearance. In my experience it is a desperate effort to deal with unbearable psychic pain.

Posted by: Lisa | Sep 22, 2008 7:53:00 PM

peace

Posted by: weese | Sep 22, 2008 7:58:31 PM

I'm am so sorry. You are right... there just are no words that can adequately express what we as readers feel and certainly what the family is feeling. I can only hope that the family will only know from simchos from now on.

The Wolf

Posted by: WolfishMusings | Sep 22, 2008 8:57:29 PM

May her family and you be comforted. No words can express adequately how we feel faced with such tragedy.

Posted by: Ilana-Davita | Sep 22, 2008 9:21:29 PM

There are no words to express the pain and sorrow that bereaved parents feel. And as I unfortunately know, it makes it no easier when the loss is due to physical disease or accident, versus the "self-inflicted" as you described this instance to be. In all cases, the worst and most damaging question that can be asked, by the bereaved themselves or by any others, is "What if?". Don't go there. Ever.

My deepest empathy to the family. May we all know no more sorrow in the new year.

Posted by: Elie | Sep 22, 2008 11:58:29 PM

:'(

Great post... You may have seen it already, but if you can stomach in, watch a documentary called "Thin". It's on YouTube if not elsewhere.

Posted by: Ezzie | Sep 23, 2008 12:07:36 AM

An immense tragedy. What I found most salient was the message you stated, reiterated so well by Zahava. For years, this blog has been a real component of my education in parenting. Some chapters are so very sad.

Posted by: RaggedyMom | Sep 23, 2008 3:35:39 AM

I am praying for the family and for you as their friends. What a sad, sad thing to happen.

Thank you for sharing this with the world Trep. We can't pray if we don't know.

Posted by: Noa | Sep 23, 2008 4:33:38 AM

Hamakom ynachem etchem...

Posted by: triLcat | Sep 23, 2008 5:12:04 AM

I am so sorry...there are no other words.

Posted by: Sara K | Sep 23, 2008 5:30:29 AM

Terrible. My sincere condolences.

Posted by: Albert | Sep 23, 2008 5:40:10 AM

So, so horrible. :(

Posted by: Erachet | Sep 23, 2008 8:07:24 AM

There are no words. All I can is that I am sorry. My kids want to know why I can't stop hugging them. All I can tell them is so that they never forget that abba loves them.

Posted by: Jack | Sep 23, 2008 10:12:42 AM

It would not surprise me if it were found that anorexia nervosa or bulimia have physical causes; such as an infection, a genetic defect, heavy metal poisoning, or maybe a parasite.

Consider that we used to believe ulcers were caused by stress. But it turned out to be a bacteria.

Lead poisoning has been found to be common and damages mental functioning and IQ.

Parasites often change the behavior of the host animal.

In the 1960's it was thought that 'Bad Mothering' caused schizophrenia. This has been shown to be false.

"Senility" has turned out to be Alzheimers, which is caused by prions; A previously-unknown infectious agent.

Mercury poisoning causes a type of "Insanity"; people become "As mad as a hatter". Hat-making used to use mercury which caused neurological damage.

The rabies virus makes the animal afraid of water, hence the name hydrophobia. Anorexics are afraid of food.

Posted by: Fred | Sep 23, 2008 11:01:38 AM

Fred-
My mom's mom suffered from a form of memory loss caused by a lack of circulation to the brain. (neck blood vessels were really, really constricted)

It made her not recognize her favorite daughter a lot. (REALLY favorite)

Posted by: Foxfier | Sep 23, 2008 11:28:49 AM

Fred - anorexia is such a deep seated illness, that to say that anorexics are afraid of food renders the whole thing extremely facile. you will find if you do some research that the food issue is a simple manifestation of inner turmoil and angst that the patient has an inability to express. it has very little to do with fear of food at all.

Posted by: Hadassah | Sep 23, 2008 12:15:58 PM

Fred - anorexia is an extremely complicated illness that has a number of factors, and while biology and genetics MAY prove to be one of them, at this point in time you cannot compare it to other physical illnesses, as it has been clinically proven in numerous studies that there are some pretty serious cognitive deficits at work.

Anorexia Nervosa is a serious mental disorder and has the highest mortality rate of ANY mental illness - 10 percent. While the media and the fashion industry are certainly a component, it is a malaise which is affected by numerous segments of the world we live in. Unfortunately, the Jewish world has a role to play in this, particularly when girls get to dating age. Jewish women suffer a disproportionate number of eating disorders, in comparison to other segments of the population.

If your loved ones or friends are suffering from anorexia, I highly recommend that you do some research into the Maudsley Method, which is so far the most effective way of treating anorexia.

I am currently an MA student in clinical psychology and will be continuing on to get my doctorate, with plans to specialize in eating disorders and sexual abuse. I hope to be able to focus primarily on teens and young adults, and I've done a lot of research and writing in this subject. So to reiterate what Zahava said - please, please PLEASE think twice before you post, this is an incredibly difficult topic to understand, and I advise that you do some research prior to making comments that are uneducated or offensive.

One final note - while anorexia is seen primarily as a female disease, please be aware that 10-15 % of anorexics are male and the numbers have been steadily rising over the past 10 years. Eating disorders affect people of all sexes and ages, and the earlier they are caught and treated, the better the prognosis is.

Posted by: Aliza | Sep 23, 2008 8:10:14 PM

I am so sorry for your pain, and the family's. I lived with an anorexic for a time. I remember looking in on her each day before I went to work... just to make sure that she was still breathing. It's a horrible situation for both the young woman involved and those who cared for her. (In my situation, B"H, she eventually deteriorated to the point where she could be committed and forced to get the help she needed.)

The fashion industry helped to take away the safety net for our children, making it less obvious to the outside world that someone has a problem, but they're not responsible for this.

Posted by: Ahuva | Sep 23, 2008 11:14:39 PM

David and Zahava, I am very sorry. I suppose I could relate stories dealing with eating disorders, but maybe this is not the time. Please send my condolences to your friends.

Ezzie, I purchased "Thin" from HBO. You are right, it is a very sobering documentary.

Posted by: sheldan | Sep 28, 2008 9:22:46 PM

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