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Thursday, March 20, 2008

I'm all about the rules

Grinder_3 Today, Ta'anit Esther (the fast of Esther) is what is known in Jewish circles as a 'minor' fast day.  That means instead of fasting from sunset until sundown the next day like we do on Yom Kippur or Tisha B'Av, the fast lasts only from sunrise until sunset.  No big deal.

My usual routine on minor fast days is to set my alarm for 30 or 45 minutes before the fast starts so that I can get up and have a cup of coffee before sunrise.

This morning my alarm went off at the usual time... I rolled over and dashed off a cringe-worthy blog post... immediately deleted it out of disgust... and went upstairs to wake up the kids.

The first indication that things were not going well were the 4 puddles of dog vomit on the living-room floor.  Apparently Jordan had consumed too much of one of those raw-hide bones and it had made her sick. 

Oh, did I mention that Zahava doesn't do vomit? 

After I'd cleaned up the mess I called up to the kids and then went into the kitchen to begin the morning routine.  I was just starting to grind the coffee when Zahava come into the kitchen and casually asked, "Aren't you fasting today?" 

Klong! *

How could I have been so stupid???  Now instead of a typical work day I'm faced with an endless span of time during which I will have a headache so bad that the sound of my eyes blinking will be enough to reduce me to tears.

Oh, and please... I'm begging you... no helpful caffeine suppository comments. I'm serious.  I let you lot gang up on me once in this post and it left me emotionally scarred.  I'm fragile as it is, but the idea of getting my Java fix by putting something up my... gah! I can't even type it!!! 

No thank you!  My caffeine ingestion is a clearly marked one-way street... and in this respect, I'm all about the rules!

* Klong is defined as 'the sudden rush of sh*t to the heart'.

Posted by David Bogner on March 20, 2008 | Permalink


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You could mainline it....right there, under your tongue.... :)

Posted by: Karl Newman | Mar 20, 2008 2:25:34 PM

This most certainly had me giggling because I know the feeling!

Someone told me (I think it might have been MoChassid) that he gets up before sunrise to slug down a few cups. I took his advice today and was up way before the sun came up. I am happily caffeined up and ready to face the fast with no problems. (ptu, ptu, ptu)

Chag Purim Sameach.

Posted by: orieyenta | Mar 20, 2008 2:42:17 PM

You are, truly, a good man! In fact, today, when I was telling a friend about Jordan's unwell tummy, I bragged big time! about what a catch you are! The telling of the story went something like this....

"So as I came up the stairs to be faced with four steaming lakes of doggie vomit, the only thing I could do was [gag] say, 'Ugh... I can't even help you!' as I lunged for the door clutching Lulu, my convenient excuse to get outdoors, in a hurry.

And while he may have been thinking 'thanks, b!tch' in his head, I was wildly impressed with the rather mild (or resigned), 'I know, honey, I know....' which is the answer which actually left his mouth!"

I am sooooo sorry that your coffee-less day started out so unpleasantly. Hope the knowledge that I am chiming MY HERO! praises to anyone who will listen helps soften the experience... even if just a bit...

And just think! It could have been worse! I could have tried to help, and then in addition to 4 lakes of steaming doggie vomit there could have been a few human additions too....

I know, I know... Don't thank me.






Posted by: zahava | Mar 20, 2008 3:23:31 PM

This Purim I'm dressing up as a caffeine suppository!

Purim Sameach! [Happy Purim]

Posted by: Doctor Bean | Mar 20, 2008 3:32:36 PM

So let me get this straight -you can deal with vomit but not a suppository? you're a former n avy seal and nothing phases you, but this does? See...this is why I find human beings so interesting.
Have a easy fast and a happy Purim.

Posted by: mata hari | Mar 20, 2008 3:34:48 PM

I think I can get you off the hook.

Shulchan Aruch, Siman 686, S'if 2, Rama (rough translation): "This fast (Taanis Esther) is not a requirement (chova); therefore, one may be lenient with it in times of need. Examples: Pregnant or nursing women, ill people - even those who are not in danger - and even IF YOU ONLY HAVE A HEADACHE (ko'avei einayim) and are in much pain, you don't need to fast, and you can pay it back (v'yifr'u) later. However, other healthy people shouldn't separate from the tzibbur (of people who are fasting)."

I'm not exactly sure what is meant by "paying it back later". That could be fasting on another day, or perhaps continuing your fast once you've taken the edge off. Maybe it means giving a little extra tzedakah as a "fine" for separating from the tzibbur. Maybe ask your rav. In any case, if it's good enough for the Rama, it's good enough for me.

Except I just realized that, since you're in Eretz Yisrael, your fast is almost over anyway. Oh well - keep it in mind for next year.

Posted by: psachya | Mar 20, 2008 3:40:57 PM

Poor David.

I hope it wasn't as awful as you thought it was gonna be.

Maybe for the next fast you should put yourself on my Patented Weaning Program which needs to be started at least two weeks prior to said fast.

It worked so well for me that I rarely drink coffee now.

In any case, have a happy Purim.

Posted by: Baila | Mar 20, 2008 3:59:46 PM

Purim Sameach!

Posted by: SaraK | Mar 20, 2008 4:18:11 PM

I sympathize. I am a caffeine-addict too. Every year before the long fasts I have to cut down on coffee so as to make the fasts bearable.

Posted by: Ilana-Davita | Mar 20, 2008 4:38:34 PM


I feel your pain, but, I must say, I can hardly believe that a caffinator like you dropped the ball. I, on the other hand, got up at 5 and had my usual cup of Flavia Sumatra ten minutes before the start of the fast.

In any event (assuming you can still read after so many hours without caffeine), your almost there.

Posted by: mochassid | Mar 20, 2008 4:38:56 PM

I got my fix smelling the fresh roasting of the beans. the air smells for an hour and gets oon your cloths.
what a m'chayah

Posted by: dave | Mar 20, 2008 4:40:35 PM

and then in addition to 4 lakes of steaming doggie vomit there could have been a few human additions too....

I see potential for a great t-shirt. Of course I am not a graphic artist, but if I was....

Posted by: Jack | Mar 20, 2008 4:41:21 PM

That photograph of the wall-mounted coffee grinder practically begs to be PhotoShopped and placed atop an IV pole. Which would also solve your problem.

Posted by: Elisson | Mar 20, 2008 6:18:33 PM

I'm pretty sure Psachya's on the money--I've heard that as well. Anyway fast is over for you.

I also got up at 5 to down a cup o coffee. And cheerios. Yup, just me and Iguana. The rest were too lazy to get up that early.

Posted by: psychotoddler | Mar 20, 2008 8:56:46 PM

No dog vomit pictures? ; )

Hey, that would be one good way to put the conversation off coffee or food of any kind. Though it would be gross...

Posted by: Irina | Mar 20, 2008 9:22:00 PM

By the time you read this, the fast should be over.

Which means that I cannot torment you with the idea of a coffee suppository..... and have to use heavier artillery: the coffee clyster. The bulb syringe would be perfect for esspresso, the standard bag for American coffee.

Bear in mind that I myself have never done this. In fact, I had not even thought of such things, let alone had the word 'clyster' in my mind, for nearly twenty five years. You put this in my head. You. It is utterly your fault. Don't blame me.

Just remember to regulate the temperature, as hot coffee can cause a nasty scald.

Posted by: Back of the Hill | Mar 20, 2008 11:12:55 PM

Back of the Hill: Clarification: Clyster = enema?

Posted by: Irina | Mar 21, 2008 5:59:23 AM

What's the whine, it could have been so much worse. Like, a gazillion Catholics praying for your spiritual redemption from faithlessness, and....

...oh..... nowwaitaminute....

*scratch head, suspicious glance to the left*

Posted by: a. | Mar 21, 2008 4:27:29 PM

I am laughing... when I should be sympathetic?

Posted by: weese | Mar 21, 2008 5:26:55 PM

"Back of the Hill: Clarification: Clyster = enema?"

Indeed. Generally speaking. But more specifically the old-fashioned spigot and plunger style of enematic device.

I learned the word from my mother, who misunderstood a Carneval song sung in Valkenswaard one year as having the lyrics "Look! There is a clyster on the lawn!".

The actual lyrics where in Dutch, and made far less sense.

Posted by: Back of the Hill | Mar 21, 2008 11:50:39 PM

You could always try the caffeinated soap they sell. 200mg per shower.

Posted by: Johnny V | Mar 22, 2008 11:20:07 PM

This all reminds me of a very funny Southpart episode where, if I may tell, Cartman is convinced that if you put food in the other end... you'll defecate from the other end. Unclear? Put food in the bottom, byproduct comes out where the food normally would go.

Kyle's dad hears this and says "NO WAY, that is not true," gets all huffy. Then he tries it...and take a guess, it's Southpark!

Anyway, is that related? It should be.

Posted by: Danny Brothers | Mar 22, 2008 11:55:58 PM

Betcha Elisson wouldn't have missed this chance to post dog-vomit photos.

Posted by: Bob | Mar 23, 2008 5:58:28 AM

Karl Newman... Just a pinch between cheek and gum, right?

orieyenta... Your sympathy was touching. NOT! :-)

zahava... Glad to see your telepathy was switched on. ;-)

Doctor Bean... I liked your well-lubricated rubber glove costume from last year much better.

mata hari... Contrary to popular belief, extended periods of time at sea do not make one more prone to sticking things up their butt.

psachya... A day late and a dollar short. Thanks so much! :-)

Baila ... I used to wean but that was worse. No thanks.

SaraK ... Hope you had a great one.

Ilana-Davita... I;ve found that even for the big fasts so long as I get a big caffeine hit before hand I can make it all the way through.

mochassid... Between you and Orieyenta I don't know who is less sympathetic.

dave... What the heads call a 'contact high'. :-)

Jack... Yeah, I could see that going places. :-)

Elisson... Hmmmm

psychotoddler... Where were you guys at 10:00AM?!

Irina... That big a giver I'm not. :-)

Back of the Hill... Thank you for adding a word to my vocabulary that I will never be able to use in polite company.

a. ... You're cheery today! :-)

weese... Yes you should. BTW, we got our summer batch of Limoncello started this week.

Johnny V... I've tried that a few times and it didn't have the desired effect. Yes it got me clean and all that... but I don't think the caffeine is actually absorbed through the skin.

Danny Brothers... Not helping! :-)

Bob... Elisson would post a picture of his own @ss if he could figure out how to take the shot. :-)

Posted by: treppenwitz | Mar 24, 2008 4:49:44 PM

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