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Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Proud morning accomplishments...plus a bonus Public Service Announcement

[A guest post by Zahava]

So.... I think I'll start with the PSA:

Make sure that all your toilets and your water main have working shut off valves. Trust me. You will want to check this before you laugh at the rest of this post.

Now on to my morning accomplishments:

I'm not sure if Trep has mentioned it recently, but I am not a morning person. Really not!

However, in anticipation of my in-laws' return to Israel, I got up a bit early in order to prepare two lasagnas for the 'welcome home' dinner we were going to enjoy after fetching them from the airport.

While the lasagnas were baking, I managed to do a load of laundry, do all the dishes in the sink, and sweep the main level and the stairs going to our room downstairs.

All this by 9:00 am!!!

All you 'morning people' can just bite me -- the most I can usually accomplish by 9:00 am is 2 cups of coffee, getting the kids off to school and maybe a half hour of exercise.

Anyhoo.....

It wasn't even 9:00 and I had a 9:15 meeting scheduled, so even though I was cutting it a bit close, I was feeling pretty darn proud of all I'd accomplished to that point. The only thing left to do was to get myself washed up and dressed, jump in the car and head out to my meeting.

So picture me standing in my underwear (ok, on second thought, please don't!) in the bathroom, brushing my teeth (no glasses). As I was rinsing the toothpaste from my mouth, I became aware of a low moaning sound coming from behind me.

Before I proceed, have I mentioned that sans glasses, my eyesight is fairly poor? As in really can't see a freakin' thing, poor? As in my eye doctor constantly jokes that I have extremely healthy eyes for a 97-year old, poor?

As I began to turn in the direction of the moaning sound, the moaning was replaced by a startling bang, followed by a loud hissing noise. As I instinctively began using my hands to scout around for my eyeglasses, I was doused by a geyser of icy cold water.

It seems that the gasket where the water line connects to the toilet tank in our master bathroom had let go.

Understanding that in the face of violently spraying water my eyeglasses would be rather useless, I started feeling my way towards toilet tank to close the shut off valve.

*sh*t* No handle on the shut off valve, just the stem.....

Gr8! Just f*ing gr8!

In light of my inability to close the shut-off valve, my brain thankfully piped in the message that NOW would be a great time to find my glasses since I'd need them to look up a phone number to call a neighbor to bring me a wrench (I have no idea where David keeps his tools).

Oh! AND CLOTHES! Yes! My brain also piped in the helpful message that getting dressed would be a helpful thing.... so as not to scare said-wrench-wielding neighbor if/when he ever arrived.

By this point, I was standing in a combination geyser and raging river of water, simultaneously feeling around for my glasses, my bra, a phone, and the phone book, and since I was still standing in the bathroom you may not be shocked to learn that I was completely unsuccessful in finding any of these items.

I managed to grab a towel and dashed upstairs where I grabbed the local phone directory, the phone handset and a magnifying glass… all while trying to hazard a guess as to who might possibly be home at 9:07 a.m.?!

The answer, apparently, was no one.

As the third number I dialed rang incessantly, I decided that if no one was home on our street that I could safely venture outside in just a towel to shut off the water main in the garden.

Remember, still not wearing glasses. Or clothes. Or shoes.....

Okey-dokey, then.... deep breath, and race out to the garden to the water main....

Hey! Shouldn't the shut-off valve handle be obvious?! Groping my way through the pine underbrush I try to Helen-Keller my way around to the shut off valve.

Oh sh*t! No handle… again, just the valve stem..... (hmmmmm... see a trend here?).

Really in full-fledged panic mode at this point, I raced back inside and went downstairs desperate to locate eyeglasses and something – anything - to sufficiently cover myself so that I could run up to the main street and flag someone, -ANYONE - down to help shut off my water.

Mercifully, we have the most wonderful neighbors in the world.... Just as my hands made contact with my eyeglasses, the neighbor who I'd called first called me back. By this point I was sputtering almost as badly as the busted pipe.... "Zvi!" I blubbered, "wrench.... pipe exploded... water EVERYWHERE, NEED HELP!"

Thankfully, by the time my neighbor arrived I'd managed to wriggle into some clothes.

By 11:00 a.m., in addition to all that ambitious stuff I'd completed by 9:00 a.m. I also managed to:

  • miss my meeting
  • mop up 3 bath-towels plus two packages of rags worth of water,
  • call the plumber and have a shut-off valve installed by the toilet and water main
  • wash said 3-bath-towels and assorted rags
  • wrote up this little ditty for your entertainment

Am I still feeling all proud of my early morning accomplishments?

Well, let's just say that I think the moral of this little story is "pride goeth before a [water] fall.

[feh]

Posted by David Bogner on December 1, 2010 | Permalink

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I don't get it. Who wrote this? Mr. or Mrs. Trepenwitz? Do you differentiate?

Posted by: Ben-Yehudah | Dec 1, 2010 12:42:56 PM

Ben-Yehudah ... Whoops, forgot to put up the guest post tag. Sorry.

Posted by: treppenwitz | Dec 1, 2010 12:53:07 PM

Wait, you brush your teeth topless? I have a whole new respect for David!

Posted by: Dental Hygenist | Dec 1, 2010 2:27:09 PM

eh, you forgot to mention "agree to host seminary girls for shabbat" (not necessarily this one) to your list of early morning accomplishments! thanks; you really are wonder woman!!

Posted by: debbie | Dec 1, 2010 3:17:34 PM

(*Attempts to restrain laughter at other person's suffering*)
(*Fails in epic manner*)

Posted by: efrex | Dec 1, 2010 3:55:28 PM

OH man I'm sooooo sorry. you handled it like a champ though!!

Posted by: Leah | Dec 1, 2010 3:58:04 PM

but, aren't you glad this happened when you were home? what if you had gone off to your meeting, only to return to a flooded house? yikes. Call me worst case scenerio mom.

Posted by: joyce | Dec 1, 2010 4:11:35 PM

I had a year like that once. It was called 2010.

Posted by: Kae Gregory | Dec 1, 2010 4:26:17 PM

Choked on coffee!

Posted by: Kiwi Noa | Dec 1, 2010 8:08:57 PM

You lost me at "picture me standing in my underwear ".

I'm still struggling with that concept.

Posted by: At The back of the Hill | Dec 2, 2010 12:54:05 AM

I thought you were going to say that you showed up at the meeting sans top, sans bra, and a water pistol in your hand...you know, sort of patty hearst redux....

Posted by: Chanan Magdalen | Dec 2, 2010 1:51:05 AM

*choking with laffter* ↲

*turning blue*↲

*self-intubating & ventilating*↲
priceless, Zahava, simply priceless.


Posted by: quietusleo | Dec 2, 2010 11:00:55 AM

Wow. I had to close my office door before the laughter attracted too much attention. Have you considered LASIK?

Posted by: yonah | Dec 2, 2010 11:13:35 AM

Dental Hygenist: Not quite sure why my brushing my teeth topless (NOT a regular habit, btw -- was washing up and brushing teeth) earns David more respect.... [blushing]

debbie: looking forward to hosting her soon!

efrex, kiwi noa, and quietusleo: glad, at least, that there was an entertainment value to the horror

leah: thanks!

joyce: OMG! YESSSSSSS! I am terribly gr8ful -- can't imagine how much damage there would have been. And the H2O bill would have been astronomical!

Kae Gregory: I am so sorry! Hope 2011 -- which is fast approaching -- is much better! :-)

ATBOTH: Thanks for the vote of confidence! :-) (Though I have to admit, it ain't a pretty picture!)

Chanan Magdalan: No.... no.... NO! I will do a lot for a laugh, but not that much!

yonah: I can't, I am a terrible candidate. One of the side effects is very dry eyes -- I already had to stop wearing contacts because my eyes don't tear enough. That and the fact that the surgery is less successful for far-sighted folks such as myself makes me not want to squander what I got.... With corrective lenses my vision is pretty good....

Posted by: zahava | Dec 2, 2010 11:34:54 AM

Wish I could think up something witty tp write, like everyone else. But I will check about the turn-off valves. Thanks

Posted by: rickismom | Dec 2, 2010 4:46:53 PM

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