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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

You can't make this stuff up!

Bet you didn't know that a swollen left middle finger is a tell-tale symptom of a 'hot' appendix in need of immediate surgical removal. I also bet you didn't know that if the end of that swollen middle digit is tingling, it means the appendix is about to rupture.

None of this is remotely true, by the way, and has no basis whatsoever in medical fact. It is simply the latest load of crap that my subconscious mind decided to try to sell me in my sleep last night.

Apparently I was buying.

I dreamt that I went to the doctor for a swollen middle finger, and almost immediately found myself being stripped down and prepped for an emergency appendectomy right there in the doctor's waiting room.

This was one of those nightmares where my mouth wouldn't work correctly, and I couldn't get people to stand still long enough to listen to me while I tried to tell them that I had no symptoms of appendicitis; no abdominal pain, no nausea... nothing. Just a seemingly unrelated swollen finger that had started tingling ominously.

[picture the mute, half-naked, patient... waving 'the finger' in the face of everyone who passes by!]

Eerily, even though the first incision seemed imminent, nobody was making any preparations to put me under. For all the world it looked like they were going to start cutting while I was still fully awake!

I tried desperately to get the doctor's attention, but he was busy deciding between two comically large scalpels. And the receptionist, who looked like the female football coach on Glee, just kept swabbing my belly endlessly with enormous cotton balls dripping with some yellowish iodine-based antiseptic.

And then I woke up and looked at the clock. It was 4:30 AM and the partially numb middle finger of my left hand was stuck between the pillow and the headboard, and our idiot Labrador mix, Lulu, was standing on our bed, licking my stomach.

GAH!

Posted by David Bogner on October 26, 2010 | Permalink

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I've had dreams like that, and gone through the rest of my day saying, "Thank goodness it was only a dream... thank goodness...."

Posted by: Rahel | Oct 26, 2010 11:43:18 AM

It is simply the latest load of crap that my subconscious mind decided to try to sell me in my sleep last night.

Sounds like a Demotivational Poster.

[Large photo of an operating theatre...]
DREAMS
The load of crap your subconscious mind tries to sell you at night.

Posted by: Jameel | Oct 26, 2010 1:31:00 PM

I think it was the dog's fault.

Posted by: nanaloshen | Oct 26, 2010 4:00:56 PM

It is simply the latest load of crap that my subconscious mind decided to try to sell me in my sleep last night.

Um ... talking about that, I rarely remember any of my dreams (or maybe I don't dream), but 2 nights ago I had a dream that I did remember. I dreamed of a toilet that had, well ... lots of "stuff" in it, and I flushed and flushed and flushed and it wouldn't go down. I can't imagine what it means, nor can I imagine why, of all dreams, that's the one I had and remembered!

Posted by: Mark | Oct 26, 2010 5:26:31 PM

I swear, Trepp, your life runs like a Tim Burton flick.

Posted by: QuietusLeo | Oct 26, 2010 7:05:30 PM

Very funny. I had nightmares last night, so thanks for the antidote of Lulu licking your trapped finger!

Posted by: Kiwi Noa | Oct 26, 2010 8:08:23 PM

That strikes a little too close to home to the very real story of the surgeon who came in to my hospital room with the surgeons making their rounds, and started palpating my chest area asking, "does this hurt?"

It took a second to sink in, but when it did, picture me, pointing to the other bed in the room, shrieking, "HE l'mastectomy, ani l'GALLBLADDER!!!"

Good thing I know Hebrew, amirite?

Posted by: Alissa | Oct 26, 2010 11:51:30 PM

Um she is not the football coach.... She just looks and acts like one!!!

Ew... Licking your stomach?????!!!!!! Nasty! Anyone's stomach getting licked by any animal is just disgusting!

Thanks! Now who knows what I'll be dreaming tonight!

Posted by: Val | Oct 27, 2010 2:37:48 AM

I think that Jameel owes you a waffle breakfast.

Posted by: Jack | Oct 27, 2010 3:54:03 AM

I don't know about you, but I would make sure I have my tighty whiteys on when I go to sleep from now on.

Posted by: Barzilai | Oct 27, 2010 5:12:25 PM

This is the week for weird dreams....my husband, a retired cop, recounted his to me. He has unusually violent dreams which I've always thought was a product of years of working in an extremely violent and crime-ridden city.

His dream: we are traveling in Eastern Europe somewhere, and we get separated. We're looking for each other, calling each other's cell phones, speaking Hebrew (that's when you know its a dream--my Hebrew should be so good) when suddenly he is surrounded by a group of young, tough, armed men. They've drawn their guns and one of them is speaking to the husband in an incomprehensible tongue. The speaker reaches out and pulls the chain on my husband's neck up, revealing a Star of David. "Zhid?" he asks. THAT word the husband understands. Bracing himself, he says 'yes.'

The young men all smile, put their guns away, as their leader breaks into a delighted grin and says in broken Hebrew--"Excellent! We have tenth for minyan!" and they escort him to their shul.

Posted by: aliyah06 | Oct 28, 2010 9:25:43 AM

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