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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

"Honey, I'm Home!" [and other improbable TV sitcom scenarios]

[Cue the theme music from 'Leave it To Beaver', 'Father Knows Best' or the old-time family sitcom of your choice]

Do you remember those improbable old-time TV sitcom scenarios where the hard-working husband brings home some important out-of-town clients for dinner, and everything has to be just so? 

And in this improbable sitcom scenario the pretty wife is well coiffed and beautifully dressed... all the kids are polite and well behaved... the food and table conversation equally excellent?

And then in this improbable scenario, just when you think that everything is going just perfectly and couldn't possibly head south, the impossibly cute youngest child at the table does something truly mortifying like, say... puking up his dinner (and seemingly everything else he's eaten/drunk for the past year or two), all over himself, the chair, the floor, etc.? 

And then in this improbable scenario, just when you think things couldn't possibly get any worse, the family dogs converge on the scene like one of those old 'Chuck Wagon' commercials, with general unbridled wackiness ensuing? 

Remember that kind of improbable TV fare?

Well, I'm here to tell you that it's not all that improbable.

Posted by David Bogner on March 16, 2010 | Permalink

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As I was reading this, I kept expecting for it to be a metaphor for the Biden-Netanyahu dinner. I'm still not sure it isn't...

Posted by: Dave (Balashon) | Mar 16, 2010 11:55:44 AM

I am totally guffawing with laughter! It is utterly amazing! We have truly been married a loooooonnnnngggg time! You wrote the post that was in my head! The only difference is that I didn't have the whole tv-theme going.....

Oh. And my title of choice would have been "In Which David and Zahava Rename Their Youngest 'Vesuvius'!"

Posted by: zahavaza | Mar 16, 2010 1:06:59 PM

...but then zahava would wrinkle her nose, and the barf and dogs would completely disappear, and you would have no memory of the event at all!

(or, she could cross her arms and vigorously nod her head...but i can't really see her calling you "master")

Posted by: debbie | Mar 16, 2010 2:05:01 PM

Dave (Balashon)... No, that was Bush senior that puked on the Japanese PM. :-)

zahavaza ... It was kind of awesome how much he was able to spew. It reminded me of that line from Parenthood where Steve martin's excuse for 'just standing there' was to say "I was waiting for her head to spin around".

debbie... Just what, exactly, do you think "Ba'ali" means? ;-)

Posted by: treppenwitz | Mar 16, 2010 2:15:03 PM

Ha!

Posted by: Benji Lovitt | Mar 16, 2010 2:47:32 PM

Good thing Z doesn't mind cleaning up barf.

Posted by: Ari | Mar 16, 2010 3:17:50 PM

oh. my. Lord. so sorry! hope yonah is feeling better. i imagine he will recover LONG before you guys will :-)

Posted by: Leah Weiss Caruso | Mar 16, 2010 3:20:34 PM

David: Hmmmm.... didn't realize that I had a typo in my name.... lovely.... thanks for perpetuating that. And yes, the force and volume were a sight to behold.... [ugh].

Debbie: You called that one correctly! :-)

Ari: You may be shocked, but that particular bodily function falls squarely on David....

LWC: He was fully recovered before he fell asleep -- kids are soooo resilient.

Posted by: zahava | Mar 16, 2010 3:38:49 PM

Benji Lovitt ... Look who I made laugh! Hand me that mic... :-)

Ari... Oh no, no, no. The divine Ms. Z doesn't do barf.

Leah Weiss Caruso ... I'm the one who is still smarting. I thought he was just being difficult about eating his dinner. I guess he showed me!

zahavaza... I kinda like that. Meet your new name. :-)

Posted by: treppenwitz | Mar 16, 2010 3:48:36 PM

Funny how one loses nearly all inhibitions about bodily functions and such with the onset of parenthood, isn't it? Yes, yes, I know that there are certain red lines not to be crossed by certain individuals and all that.

Anyhow, I am writing to say how much I love to read your writing. One of these years you need to put together a book and movie deal!

Drew

Posted by: Drew | Mar 16, 2010 6:17:36 PM

classic. Poor guy.
But it's nice that he provided you with a great blog post!

Posted by: val | Mar 16, 2010 8:04:23 PM

Poor Yonah, and poor David, running around with a bucket! Having never had children, I have never had this "pleasure", however, there was the night I invited 6 folk for dinner, got stuck in a 2 hour traffic jam on the way home from work, and had a cat chuck up 5 times in the dining room just after my guests arrived..........

Posted by: Noa | Mar 16, 2010 8:41:43 PM

Now I have this going through my head all day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BBqgMQluDM

Posted by: Raz | Mar 16, 2010 9:14:22 PM

Poor Yonah? Poor dinner guests, completely unaccustomed to normal life in Treppenwitz-land, having to watch Yonah spew out, therefore unable to fully enjoy whatever delicious dinner Zahava has whipped up. Its the guests I feel bad for...

Posted by: Noa | Mar 16, 2010 9:48:52 PM

Zahavazahavazahavaza (reminds me of Pi of the endless digits).....I'm with you, I too, do not do barf (that belongs to the missus). On the other hand, I do blood (which makes the missus faint). I'm just sayin'.

Posted by: QuietusLeo | Mar 16, 2010 10:32:09 PM

Thanks for the good laugh! Hoope it wasn't TOO bad!

Posted by: rickismom | Mar 16, 2010 10:44:32 PM

I have this image of McMahon % Tate, or should I say dear Darren Stevens trying to properly represent the firm. ;)

Posted by: Jack | Mar 17, 2010 8:54:03 AM

This stuff practically writes itself, doesn't it?

Posted by: Elisson | Mar 17, 2010 4:45:40 PM

Drew... Know a good agent? I'll even let you write the blurb for the dust jacket. :-)

val ... Yeah, that's why we had that one... to give me blog fodder. :-)

Noa... So you have some idea... :-)

Raz ... That's the one I had in mind. :-)

Noa... They seem to have taken it in stride. But it may be they are just being polite.

QuietusLeo ... Funny, I get to deal with all excretions and bodily fluids.

rickismom ... Don't thank me... I'm a giver. :-)

Jack... Exactly!

Elisson... So true. I just try not to get in the way.

Posted by: treppenwitz | Mar 17, 2010 5:08:45 PM

Ah, the joys of parenthood.
Sounds bucolic.

I feel deprived - I never saw any of those shows. No wonder I'm dysfunctional.

Posted by: At The Back of the Hill | Mar 17, 2010 11:21:27 PM

what is it with kids and vomiting? Just wrote this post a couple of weeks or so back

http://hadassahsabo.wordpress.com/2010/03/04/open-letter-to-my-son/

I hope your clients have kids of their own - otherwise they would just be totally horrified....

Posted by: Hadassah | Mar 18, 2010 1:58:36 PM

Cleaning for Pesach, we came across old pictures. Of course, there were the usual "jumping around in underwear" pictures of my kids, now respected scholars and fathers of their own families. Thankfully, they also take this kind of pictures of their kids, so they can't complain if I happen to leave them where their spouses might find them. Someday, the subject of this screenplay might come across this post. I hope he has your sense of humor.

Posted by: Barzilai | Mar 18, 2010 4:20:22 PM

Years ago, when I was the chief of my EMT crew, I had a stellar crew member. Why was she stellar? She had 3 kids and didn't mind cleaning up when we had patients projectile spew in the ambulance.

Hey, I would have offered her money, but she was a volunteer ;)

Posted by: Alissa | Mar 23, 2010 6:39:08 PM

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