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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Picture this...

A lone dairy cow stands in the midst of a burning barn with flaming timbers falling into the hay all around her.  She realizes that her only hope of survival lies in being able to run full force at one of the flaming walls, and hopefully breaking through to the cool, fresh air she knows is waiting on the other side.

But just as she tenses her muscles to start her dash towards the wall of roaring fire, she senses something climbing up one of her hind legs.  Not wanting to be distracted during what will turn out to be either the most important run of her life... or the last, she looks closely at the spot where the distracting sensation is coming from, and spots an amorous ant inching its way up towards her, um, private bits.

Mistaking her look of surprise for fear, the ant quickly assures her "Don't worry sweetheart, I'll be gentle".

I've shared this story in order to try to convey the exact level of concern that Israel's senior government officials are currently experiencing in the wake of Bolivia's announcement today that it has severed diplomatic ties with the Jewish State over what it has termed 'Israel's genocidal attack on Palestinians in Gaza'.

News flash for Bolivia:  Genocide is what the Spanish Conquistadors did to your ancestors in the early 16th century.  What Israel is doing to the Hamas is trying to put out a fire that has been burning non-stop around her citizens for several years! 

Your small announcement that you intend to bring Israel's leaders to trial in the International Court of Justice must seem quite grand and important to you.  But I assure you, the sum total result of your announcement will be that at some point in the future, some functionary at the Israeli Foreign Ministry will have to schedule a low-level meeting to address the need to replace the sudden and curious shortfall in our supply of colorful wool ponchos, tasseled hats and recorded pan-pipe music.

Your country, on the other hand, has much to lose from this ill-advised move.  Aside from formally aligning yourselves with the 'axis of evil' that will one day have its day of reckoning (a real fire, if you catch my drift), you need to think for a moment about the sad truth that Bolivia has the lowest Gross Domestic Product (GDP) in South America.  I'm guessing a fair portion of the hard currency flowing through your economy at any given time arrives in the pockets of post-army Israeli back-packers who come to tour through the ruins of Inca cities that show evidence of technological prowess that your present society can only dream about today.  Just how attractive a destination do you think Israelis will find Bolivia now that your true feelings towards us have been revealed?

But go ahead and throw in your hat with Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the rest of the world's over-achievers.  Really... good luck with that.  Just don't be too surprised when your announcement doesn't provoke a reaction - of any sort (except perhaps from bored bloggers like me). 

You see, Israel is busy putting out fires over here... and saving her citizens from the flames.  So you just go on ahead and do whatever it is you need to do.  Be as gentle or rough as you like.  I assure you, your efforts won't even be noticed.

Posted by David Bogner on January 14, 2009 | Permalink

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Simon Bolivar must be rolling over in his grave.

Posted by: psachya | Jan 14, 2009 10:03:12 PM

Get 'em David! I had to chuckle at the post. I forgot Bolivia was a country. Apparently they read the wrong newspapers.

Posted by: Tim | Jan 14, 2009 10:34:48 PM

And it took their whole army to kill Paul Newman and Robert Redford.

Posted by: David Bailey | Jan 14, 2009 11:11:04 PM

Bolivia has severed diplomatic relations? Bolivia?!?

Oooh, I'm scared.

As a typical penny-pinching cheapskate Dutchman, I have to think, given that they have the lowest GDP in South America, that the primary reason for this move was because they're cutting corners in the Bolivian Diplomatic Corps. Especially as regards missions in the developed world.


Posted by: At The Back of the Hill | Jan 15, 2009 12:24:52 AM

Dave, PLEASE check this out:
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/189015/?tag=Peruvian+Flute+Band

Posted by: Lakewood Falling Down | Jan 15, 2009 12:34:42 AM

Full episode:
http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/189010/?autoplay=false

Posted by: Lakewood Falling Down | Jan 15, 2009 12:39:35 AM

Yeah, that was my thought also when I saw the announcement. Who cares? Given a blank map of South America, who among us could even FIND Bolivia?

Posted by: Marsha, freezing in Englewood | Jan 15, 2009 5:55:21 AM

"[S]ome functionary at the Israeli Foreign Ministry will have to schedule a low-level meeting to address the need to replace the sudden and curious shortfall in our supply of colorful wool ponchos, tasseled hats and recorded pan-pipe music."

You forgot cocaine. The coca plant, the country's main cash crop, brings millions of dollars to "the informal sector of the economy" (i.e. druglords). It provides work for thousands of poor people whose basic needs are not met by their government, results in hundreds of hectares of forest being cut yearly for planting of coca and toxic chemicals being dumped into rivers and lands as a result of the increasing use of pesticides and manufacturing of cocaine. (Source: http://www.american.edu/TED/bolcoca.htm)

I just love being scolded and moralized to by incompetent, greedy, destructive, good-for-nothing-but-getting-people-high governments, don't you?

Posted by: Shimshonit | Jan 15, 2009 8:04:39 AM

Bolly...who?

Posted by: Rami | Jan 15, 2009 8:42:02 AM

David - Love your blog as always, but I had to comment on this one - Bolivia is not the lowest GDP ranked country in South America (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_South_American_countries_by_GDP_PPP), and although it is insignificant in terms of world power and politics I don't believe thats a reason for any commenters to be proud of not knowing where it is!! You're right, their announcement will have little to no effect on Israel's policy or decisions, but thats no reason to belittle them.

Posted by: zemirah | Jan 16, 2009 1:05:48 AM

..."the sudden and curious shortfall in our supply of colorful wool ponchos, tasseled hats and recorded pan-pipe music."

"...the ruins of Inca cities that show evidence of technological prowess that your present society can only dream about today..."

Eek, Trep. The level of egregiosity of your sarcasm has approached that of one of my favorite OT prophets, Elijah.

I should've skipped the opening "parable" though. I got lost as soon as I was instructed to imagine a cow, thinking. Oh well. ;o/

Posted by: Wry Mouth | Jan 16, 2009 1:49:26 AM

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